YOU KNOW YOU'RE ITALIAN WHEN...

- You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.

- Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.

- You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird or a Sooped up Civic or VW Golf GTI.

- Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.

- Your two best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.

- You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 strip or dance clubs.

- Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just do me" tank top to Wasaga.

- At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.

- All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.

- A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.

- You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

- If someone in your family grows beyond 5'6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.

- There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

- At some point in your life, you were a D.J

- 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone.

- You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone's thespian greatness.

- Somewhere on your parents' property, there is a bathtub Madonna.

- You build your house with 3 materials.... brick, brick and wrought iron.

- You have at least one sister that went to Beauty School.

- Clothes from the Chess King will actually fit you.

- It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.

- Have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, "He shoulda kept his big yap shut."

REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN

- In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.

- Not embarrassed to wear fur.

- No need to worry about tax returns.

- Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.

- Can wear sunglasses inside.

- Political stability.

- Flexible working hours.

- Live near the Pope.

- Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.

- Country run by Sicilian murderers.

You know you're Italian when...

5) You consider dunking a pack of "S" cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast.

18) You are offended when the wedding you attend serves less than 3 fish courses despite the fact that you normally eat dandelions 6 nights a week.

You Know You're Italian If...

1. If your parents refer to KFC as 'galina del vecchio.'

2. If your friends come over for dinner and they leave ten pounds heavier.

3. If you shave your face, and you're a girl...damn straight, you're Italian.

4. If you wear high heals just to go to the corner store...not only are you an Italian, but you're a freakin' Gina, too!

5. If everyone over the age of 55 in your family is short, fat, and wears nothing but black--don't hide it...you're Italian.

6. If you're visiting your grandparents at either two in the afternoon or nine at night, and they interrupt you in mid- sentence because it's time for their show....don't tell me your're not Italian.

7. If you don't even know the names of any of your 18 bridesmaids....too bad, your Italian.

8. If you're 35 years old, still live at home, still have your mom cook and clean for you, and you STILL have the gall to complain about having to eat pasta fazool for dinner again...
I-T-A-L-I-A-N.

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to 

America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY..

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two 

cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular 

lunch bag.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:

. Your grandfather had a fig tree.

. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

. Plastic on the furniture is normal.

. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."

. You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."

. You've called someone a "mamaluke."

. And you understand "bada bing"

So here goes. According to Fabrizio Sciola, you know you're Italian from St-Léonard when:

-You "close" the light and "open" the TV.

-You can rebuild a motor and frame a house, but couldn't help your wife with the laundry because you cannot operate a washing machine if your life depended on it.

-You have at least one relative named either Dino, Gino, Lino, Pino, or Rino; and another relative named Dina, Gina,     Lina, Pina, Rina or Tina.

-You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion and more than $200,000 in the envelopes at your wedding.

-After years of being yelled at by your mother, you know more saint names than the Pope.

-You smoke "DuMaurier regular."

-You've said "don't worry, I know the bouncer."

-You still go to the same Barber shop your grandfather brought you to when you were 4 years old.

You know you're Italian when(Part 1)

-You carry your lunch in a Weston Produce bag because you cant fit 2 mortadella "sangwiches", 4 oranges and 3 bananas into a regular paper lunch bag.

-There are at least 30 pairs of slippers in your front hall closet.

-You live in a 900 square foot bungalow, but still have 2 kitchens.

-Your living room and dining room have never been used.

-You still have the Cynar guy deliver pop to your house.

You know you're Italian when....(Part 2)

-At 35, you still have a phobia of walking through your parent's dining room.

-As a child, your last week of summer holidays were always spent putting caps on sauce-filled Mio bottles.

-Contrary to medical literature, you still believe that eating 2 plates of pasta, 3 fried veal cutlets, 2 sausages and a half bottle of wine makes for a healthy dinner.

-Your father signed you up for hockey just long enough to accumulate enough broken sticks for his garden.

-Although the food isn't as good, you prefer attending relatives' funerals over weddings because they're so much cheaper.

-Every single picture-frame, salt-shaker, nut-cracker, candle-holder and butter-knife in your home is a "bomboniere" from previous weddings.

-You maintain that broom-handles, wooden spoons and slippers are all tools for effective parenting.

You know you're Italian when... (Part 3)

-You dropped $150 a plate for your lavish 600 person wedding, and spend the next 5 years living next to the furnace room of your parents basement.

-Your father and his brother have not spoken since World War 2 because your aunt once said your mother's sheep produced sour milk.

-Because of this scandal, your father maintains that all of nieces are whores and his nephews are all mafia cocaine dealers born out of wedlock.

-You were one of those really cool guys that spent $4,000 on custom body mouldings trying to make your Pontiac Fiero look like a Ferrari.

-Despite the fact that you can't speak or understand it, you insisted on having your entire wedding ceremony in Italian to honour of the 91 year-old, deaf, hairy-mole-faced Zia you had shipped in from the old country.

-You had 450 people at your stag but only 300 at your wedding.

-If it wasn't for the accordion, you'd have no dancing.

-There is a 300 cubic foot deep freezer in your basement with enough home-made pasta, meat and cookies to feed your street for a year.

-Your mother can't understand how nowadays, a woman would consider leaving her husband just because he hits her.

-Every summer for the past 20 years, a different cousin from Italy has stayed at your house for 2 monthsand you dated half of them.

You know you're Southern Italian when

-You still wear see-through dress socks and pointy patent leather dress shoes to weddings.

-You are married and can still squeeze into your cream white confirmation suit.

-In some capacity, there is a dump truck in your life.

-You have at least one relative named "Calogero" or "Massimilliano".

-Every single tape in your car has the dance version of Marina, Marina.

You know you're Southern Italian when(Part 2)

-It takes 4 disposable blades to shave each side of your face.

-You can name more players on the Cagliari Soccer team than on the Leafs.

-Your living room wall is covered by a 6 by 10 foot cloth mural of a shepherd girl being serenaded by a guy wearing tights and playing a mandolin.

-your father lives in a subdivision and still raises his own chickens and rabbits.

You know you're a Gino when...

-You have a $6,000 sound system in your pick-up truck.

-You wear a Juventus shirt and indoor soccer shoes to midnight mass.

-You own a tape that has Stevie B, Pearl Jam and Eros on the same side.

-You find it necessary to carry a pager despite the fact that you are a part-time clerk at Longo's Fruit Market.

-You own a "CHIN Picnic" T-shirt from each of the last 10 years.

-Although you are at a disco 4 nights a week, you still can't drink more than 2 beers without passing out.

-A favorite summer activity for you and your friends is sitting on the hood of your car blaring "Stairway to Heaven" in the parking lot of your donut shop.

You know you're from Woodbridge when...

-You own more than 2 silk "Baggio" shirts.

-You currently have a raccoon tail, fuzzy dice, a rosary, 2 vanilla air fresheners and your cousin Tina's wedding garter hanging from your rear view mirror.

-You have interlocking brick in your cold cellar.

-Your father valiantly preaches the values of hard work despite the fact that he is earning a healthy income scamming WCB, UIC, CPP and his car insurance company.

-Your local McDonalds charges $50.00 a plate for children's birthday parties.

-At least 3 of your female cousins are estheticians while the rest are aspiring "Social Scientists" enrolled at York University.

9 out of 10 people on your street are pavers.

-Your wife is living proof that there is such a thing as a $17,000 wedding dress made for a 4 ft. hunchback.

-You have at least one short, balding uncle who, in his 50's wears a ponytail and diamond pinky ring.

-Your corner variety store sells pickled eggplants and pavesini cookies.